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Authorities Recruit Jared Fogle From Prison To Help Bring Down Horrifying New Subway Steak ‘Cali Fresh’ Sandwich
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Authorities Recruit Jared Fogle From Prison To Help Bring Down Horrifying New Subway Steak ‘Cali Fresh’ Sandwich

JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Tapping the convicted pedophile and former Subway spokesperson to aid in their efforts, authorities reportedly recruited Jared Fogle from prison Wednesday in order to help bring down the horrifying new Subway Steak “Cali Fresh” sandwich. “We know you’ve done some bad, bad shit in the past, but we need your help with a sandwich-related matter,” said Officer Logan Orlando, explaining that despite Fogle’s past indiscretions with children, no one had the skills and knowledge necessary to dispatch an appalling sandwich as efficiently as him. “I’ll be frank, Mr. Fogle, you make me sick. You’ve done and said some fucked up things, but dammit, we need you. If you don’t take down this atrocious sandwich, millions of lives will be at stake. Too many innocent people could succumb to that foul multigrain bread; dry, crumbling steak; and nasty-ass brown avocado. Should you choose to accept this mission, your giant, oversized pants will be waiting for you outside.” At press time, sources confirmed a fleeing Fogle cackled while revealing that he had been working with the sandwich all along.

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