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Police Finally Throw Out Old, Embarrassing Evidence From ’80s

Police Finally Throw Out Old, Embarrassing Evidence From ’80s

MEMPHIS, TN—Shaking their heads at how things used to be while they filled up trash bags in the station, members of the Memphis Police Department had reportedly finally gotten around to throwing out a bunch of old, embarrassing evidence from the 1980s, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Oh my god, how terrible does all this evidence look in 2021? We can’t show this to anyone!” said Sgt. Peter Mackey, tossing a stack of documents and bags of old forensic evidence into a trash bag, adding that he hadn’t seen any of that stuff for 30 years and didn’t like being reminded of it. “Can you believe we were into collecting this kind of evidence back in the day? How mortifying. It totally made sense back then, but now it makes me cringe. We thought it was soooo important in 1986, but today it just looks completely outdated, kind of tacky even. Quick, get rid of it all before anyone sees it.” At press time, Mackey was feeling completely embarrassed after discovering a piece of hideous ’80s crime scene photographs that were totally exonerating.