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Star High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From Now
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Star High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From Now

BEND, OR—As he excitedly slapped a teammate on the back after delivering a pinpoint 30-yard throw in practice, sources confirmed Wednesday that local star quarterback Cole Rabuck was blissfully unaware he would be the New York Jets’ starter four years from now. “He goes out there every day, he’s got a great arm, and he just loves the game so much,” coach Ron Sever said of the 17-year-old who will be drafted fourth overall to a 3-13 Jets team and whose fans will immediately revile him and blame him for every failure. “He’s got a great head on his shoulders and a bright future [of being drafted by the Jets and repeatedly humiliated on a national stage] ahead of him. He’s a generational talent, honestly, and if he keeps it up, he could be the next Aaron Rodgers, [Mark Sanchez, Sam Darnold,] or Peyton Manning.” At press time, Rabuck, who will reportedly express relief when he is out of the NFL by the age of 27, was telling teammates he wants to play football for the rest of his life.

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